Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
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