I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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