You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
