His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
