i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
bring money and cleavage
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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