Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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