Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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