They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
