Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
