So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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