also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
