Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
