dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
