Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
