Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
