I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
