My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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