i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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