Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I didn't notice because vodka
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
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