It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
