i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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