Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
A+ Viking dick
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