My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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