All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I feel like death gave me a hand job
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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