apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
