This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
