i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
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