i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
