A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
