Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
