Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
