He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
