dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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