ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
