Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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