we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
