I just pynch a tree in the face
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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