Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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