2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
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