Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
