how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
