we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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