woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
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