this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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