whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
