when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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