saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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