Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
