Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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