The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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